Black Hole
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: Where normal people have a heart, you have a black hole. Oneshot. Sortakindanotexactlyangstyish. Explanations inside.


Wow, my first actual fanfiction. Ever. I'm kinda in this oneshot phase right now, and I dunno if that's a good or bad thing.

So the fic's in first person, with a mystery POV (who is fairly obvious, I'm bad at hiding these things) talking to/about a mystery person (who is _really_ obvious). Hints of Rahberto and Jubby (just mentioned in passing, really), and…well, I meant the main ship to be more of a friend thing, but I _guess_ you could see it as romance…I guess. If you must. And there might be some OOC, too.

DISCLAIMER: "I have no soul. I'm an angry white guy."

……………

Where normal people have a heart, you have a black hole.

It's not that you're emotionless, it's just that you…

Don't care? Maybe that's it.

That was my first impression of you. "Him, he just doesn't care."

And _damn_, you ended up my roommate. And now, after all we've been through, I'm not so sure I was entirely wrong.

We all left our old lives behind when we came here. I mean, literally left them behind. Made new ones. I know I had to. But I missed my old life. We all did. We all had our moments when we were just so _homesick_ that it felt like there was a giant worm working its way through our hearts, boring its way deeper and deeper to the core.

But not you. You shucked your old life off like a snake shucking off its old skin. And you abandoned it. Never thought about it again. Never talked to us about it, anyway. For all we knew, you didn't have a past.

Until things started getting crazy. Then we got a glimpse of your old life. Started to understand just why you'd abandoned it so roughly, just why you'd never talked about it to any of us.

You never went back to it after we left. Never acknowledged it, not until Evan left and we all tried to help comfort Miss Munroe. And even then, even when we pelted you with questions, you never told us a word.

And at night, when you'd be reading a book and I'd be looking over your homework (despite the many times you've insisted you don't care if you did the stuff right or wrong), and I'd try to ask you, you'd give me such a _glare_ I'd shut up.

And then when Rahne left and we were all so lost, you stayed the same. And when Roberto locked himself in the bathroom the day after and we were so worried because _oh GOD, there are razorblades in there_, you were the only one who was calm enough to break the door down and talk some sense into him.

And when Jubes left and we were lost all over again, you still stayed the same. And when Bobby read the letter she'd left him and he cried so hard he started laughing, you were still the only one who could handle his tears without drowning him in your own.

I don't think you even had any tears to begin with.

But then they both came back in the end, and you still didn't change. Sure, you smiled when we threw a pool party to celebrate, you laughed when Bobby shoved you into the pool and you hit your head on the bottom, you even hugged Jubes and Rahne back when they tackled you.

But you didn't change. Life didn't go back to normal for you like it did for us, because your life had never _left_ normal in the first place.

And as far as I know, you've never been in love. Maybe it's for the same reason you get over losses so easily. You don't let yourself feel pain. Oh, physical pain, sure, but emotional pain…not a chance. Any of the sort just gets sucked into that void where your heart should be, buried deep down.

That void scares me.

We're in our room again. You're reading your book, and I'm looking over your Chemistry homework. It doesn't look too good. You're horrible at double displacement reactions, I'll tell you that.

"Ray?"

"I know the double displacements are all wrong," you say, not even looking up from your book. "I can never remember all those rules."

"No…"

You raise an eyebrow, eyes still glued to the book. "Really? I got them right?"

"No, of course not." You snort from the depths of your book. "But…that's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

You lower your book slowly. "What's up, then? Make it quick, I'm at a really good part."

You're not really paying attention to me, I can tell. "Never mind."

"Okay." You shrug and return to your book. End of conversation.

I stare at the spine of your book. _The Amber Spyglass_. I love that book. Cried at the end of it, too – you laughed at me for crying over a book before you stole _The Golden Compass_ off my bookshelf. "What part are you at?" I ask before I can help myself.

Your eyebrows crease slightly. "The great betrayal," you say quietly.

"Oh." I remember that part. I'd felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest right along with Lyra and Will. I guess you wouldn't understand.

I'm zoning out again, and when my eyes finally refocus, I almost fall off my bed because you're staring me _dead in the face_. And then it all makes sense. "_Oh_."

I'm right: you don't understand. And you're staring at me with so much anger and confusion and frustration that I realize that you know it, too.

You know you don't understand.

And you want to.

We're both in our beds with the lights shut off and _The Amber Spyglass_ set on the bedside table next to the alarm clock you never hear before either of us speaks again. "Ray?"

"Hm?" You're turned away from me, half-asleep already.

"Any time you wanna talk…I'm listening."

The silence stretches for so long I guess you already fell asleep. Oh well. I turn away on my side and try to get comfortable.

"I know." You say it so quietly, it's almost drowned out by my yawn.

Where normal people have a heart, you have a black hole.

And you know it.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

One of these days, that black hole is going to collapse in on itself, and you'll have to deal with all the pain you've managed to bury.

"Thanks."

And you know I'll be there to help you.

"Anytime."

……………

The part in _The Amber Spyglass_ that they're talking about is the part with Lyra and Pan and the boat…yeah. I don't want to elaborate and spoil it for people who haven't read it. For those who have and are still confused, let me know in your review and I'll explain in the reply.

Good? Bad? Horrible beyond words? Any sort of review is welcome.


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